Secretly...
Im afraid.
Im afraid of having children.
Every time I imagine my husband and kids
The kids, boys usually, always either have autism
or cerebral palsy. I dont know why.
But this happens every time.
So, I don't think about having children.
I dont even entertain conversations about them.
Im all for surrogacy.

I wish I had done a double major in school.
English or Classical languages or something.
Engineers are some of the most...boring people ever.
Sucks to think I'm one of them.

I'm afraid of what my constant migraines could possibly mean.
My doctors keep dropping words like MRI
and CAT Scan.
Why do they do that?
I have classes and design projects to focus on
I cannot be worrying about MRIs and what nots.
Are the painkillers not sufficient?

I still want to be a model.
Before I moved to this here forsaken town,
I actively pursued being a model.
Needless to say..engineering seemed more promising.
(if you google my name, my model profile comes up.)
But I still want to be a model.

In my mind, I am the editor of Vogue Nigeria.
I said In my mind.
I can dream can't I?
Like I said, IN MY MIND jo.

I'm afraid I might not love my boyfriend enough.
On paper, we are perfect.
I can totally see us in the long run and all.
You know, he is the kind of person I know I need.
But....I dont know.
Well maybe its just the distance.

Oh well...

Fabulo-la has missed you all.
Did you miss me?
xxx
8/24/2009 | Category: , | 36 Fabulalalas

Would you?
This week has been a .... weird one to say the least.
I didn't run away, I swear.
I was just ... thinking?
Well remember I had an epiphany a while ago?
I kinda forgot about it for a while after that.
And then, I read 'Half a Yellow Sun'.
Apart from realizing how ignorant I am about many of the affairs of my own country,
(I have resolved to change that by all means)
I found myself wondering, 'would I give my life for my country?'

I do not mean dying.
Well not in the physical sense anyways
More like, would I give it all to fight to make a difference for the sake of my country?
All of a sudden I remembered the epiphany.
This time it came back to me
The image was so vivid and haunting
I could feel my ribcage constrict as my throat threatened to cut of my air supply.
The passion came back so strong,
It gave me goosebumps, but I could clearly feel the fire inside me.
It still does. I still can.
Its intimidating.
I cried.
My 10-year-plan just did a U-turn.

I want to do this. To make a difference.
Are you kidding me?
I have to.
I. Just. Have. To.
Even if I die trying.
That is how strongly I feel right now.

But how? I don't know how to do this
I was NOT trained to do this.
I am afraid to talk about this
They say there are dream killers everywhere
But I HAVE to do this
And I don't know how
My heart is bleeding at the thought of what lays ahead of me
I am scared shitless.

But I know one thing for a fact
I love my country
And I'll be damned if i don't spend my life trying to make it better.

I wrote this while I was reading 'Half Yellow Sun'
I think I was still in the romantic mood
which kinda explains the way it is written


I have a love.
A consecrated lover.
I do not know if she still loves me.
Years ago I ran away
I abandoned my lover
I wanted a more experienced lover
That would caress my mind
And stimulate my passion
And now, now
I want my lover back
I have missed her
I have seen that no love is as strong as
The love my lover gave me, those years when I rejected her
When she called out to me
But I turned my heart away
Because I thought she could not give me what I needed.
Someone please tell my love
That I am sorry
That I have been made wiser by our time away
Tell my lover
That I will nurse her wounds
And use my sweat and blood
To nurture her to health
Tell her that I will give her my right hand if hers fails her
Tell her that I am ready to give my life to her
Tell her that I will give my life
For our children, so that there will be children
She has suffered enough.
Tell her, that I am coming back
And that I still love her
Tell her
I love her even more.

Somebody tell Nigeria that I love her


"Ask not what your country can do for you, rather what you can do for your country." - JFK
8/14/2009 | Category: , , , | 40 Fabulalalas

Let Us.
I have gone utterly and completely mad.
Yet, I find myself wishing it not go away.
How can anyone question my love for you?
Do they not see the way my body leans to you?
Even though you are on the other side of the world?
Do they not know that my heart yearns for your touch?

Give me your undying love
Make me immortal with your kiss
And let us make this everlasting commitment
Once and for all
Let us go back in the day
When lovers were lovers
And love in its pure undying form
Was secure, a safe haven

My mind is yours to have
My body to hold
Make it yours
Inside and out
Rain or shine
I will be with you
I will nurse your wounds
And celebrate your health
Cleave to me
As I submit my all to you

I’m ready to give my life
My all to you
I’m ready to be the best woman
I could possibly be
Let me share my love with you
Serene, uninhibited and uncomplicated
Let me give you everything that I have
Mind body and soul.

Let us stay together
Let us last forever
Let us be One.


A friend of mine said I was difficult and un-romantic.
So, I wrote this.
xxx
Fabulo-la
8/05/2009 | Category: , | 36 Fabulalalas

Happiness... Or is it?
State of mind?
Or complete illusion?

State of mind, if you ask me.
How else do you explain being able to smile and even appear happy
when everything in your life is falling apart at the very place you
tried to glue it together?
Even the one He gave to us.
Or does that one not count?
Is it even the same thing?

How else can one achieve said happiness without transforming your mind
Or transcending your current state or mind.

But what then does one do, when the energy to transcend one's current
state of mind has somehow...vanished?
When the will to get up and be happy is not there?
Or you just simply can't find it?
Maybe it has evaded you somehow?
Or it's avoiding you maybe?
Are you even looking in the right place?

What does one do to achieve said transformation?
Is there a place that specializes in transforming minds?
Is there a procedure or process to achieve said transformation?

Does anybody know how I can acheieve this transcending of minds?


On another note, I had another dream. A friend of mine this time.

xxx
Fabulo-la
8/02/2009 | Category: , | 26 Fabulalalas

Insult and Injury
Seriously?
I am being insulted because of a pot?
Because of a frying pan
I am being yelled the fuck at?
A frying pan that came from my own fucking house?
You are yelling at me because of that?
By people who are my younger brothers mates?
Is this a bloody joke?
I look like a bloody joke?
Why the hell do I put up with people like this?
And now, I'm supposed t act like the bigger person
and smile and say
"Oh there must have been a misunderstanding"?
Fucking hell I'm gonna do that!
That fucking frying pan came from my own fucking house!
HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Foolish heifers calling the wok a frying pan.
Who does that?
8/02/2009 | Category: , , | 15 Fabulalalas