Im afraid.
Im afraid of having children.
Every time I imagine my husband and kids
The kids, boys usually, always either have autism
or cerebral palsy. I dont know why.
But this happens every time.
So, I don't think about having children.
I dont even entertain conversations about them.
Im all for surrogacy.

I wish I had done a double major in school.
English or Classical languages or something.
Engineers are some of the most...boring people ever.
Sucks to think I'm one of them.

I'm afraid of what my constant migraines could possibly mean.
My doctors keep dropping words like MRI
and CAT Scan.
Why do they do that?
I have classes and design projects to focus on
I cannot be worrying about MRIs and what nots.
Are the painkillers not sufficient?

I still want to be a model.
Before I moved to this here forsaken town,
I actively pursued being a model.
Needless to seemed more promising.
(if you google my name, my model profile comes up.)
But I still want to be a model.

In my mind, I am the editor of Vogue Nigeria.
I said In my mind.
I can dream can't I?
Like I said, IN MY MIND jo.

I'm afraid I might not love my boyfriend enough.
On paper, we are perfect.
I can totally see us in the long run and all.
You know, he is the kind of person I know I need.
But....I dont know.
Well maybe its just the distance.

Oh well...

Fabulo-la has missed you all.
Did you miss me?

Comments (36)

On August 24, 2009 at 4:43 PM , Bubbles said...


we missed you small

I totally understand your fear
with the whole children thing
that's some scary shit right thurr

what's your name lemme google you

On August 24, 2009 at 5:22 PM , Sugarking said...

I miss u gan!!!! Nah babes u shouldn't be scared of kids now! U could be d exception here u know!!!

On August 24, 2009 at 5:43 PM , InurChoos said...

I feel you on this issue right now especially on the boyfriend part. I feel the love esp on my part is fading but my boobookins is still crazy about me, notwithstanding the distance.
I believe that this is a phase and in time, this too shall pass, a thought worth holding on to especially when you know you've got a good man.

On August 24, 2009 at 5:59 PM , Anonymous said...

Get a CT scan soon. The radiation isn't much compared to MRI. Really please go and get it done.

On August 24, 2009 at 5:59 PM , Anonymous said...

Nice anon by the way. Too lazy sign in.

On August 24, 2009 at 7:01 PM , ~Butterfly~ said...

yes we did! :)
omG I thot i was d only one dt got freakd out bout havin kids! In my case its either autism or cancer. Blame BBC for thier documentaries...either ways hun, God dey, I rebuke it 4 us! amen!

On August 24, 2009 at 7:22 PM , Ms. 'dufa said...

I get migraines too for very silly reasons like being hungry, listening to music4too long, sleeping too much...etc...I'm sure its just one of those things and it shouldn't bother you.
About children, I feel like that too sometimes...but it's just a feeling, you don't know for sure. Don't beat yourself over nothing.

On August 24, 2009 at 7:51 PM , kay9 said...

Missed u babe, whr u been?

@Nice: Ngana kpuchie ute...

On August 24, 2009 at 8:13 PM , leggy said...

lol...i sometimes think about being a model too.the only thing good about marriage is the kids.

On August 24, 2009 at 8:41 PM , Buttercup said...

I think every woman has that fear, even though they might not admit it. PLEASE GET THE SCAN DONE ONCE AND FOR ALL! Ah, distance has a way of playing tricks on us..sigh. Missed ya!

On August 24, 2009 at 9:04 PM , BSNC said...

i missed you oh. i missed you telling me bsnc i am lost or i didn't get

abeg get you scan done o and get it out of the way..

hope you are good

On August 24, 2009 at 9:21 PM , Ebony~!* said...

Don't be scared of kids oh! Multiply the earth jare. lol BTW i am with you on the modelling, do it jooo! nothing do you. If you can see it, you can have it!

On August 24, 2009 at 9:52 PM , Repressed One said...

I missed you oh...where have you been?

I'm with you on the children bit...God help us all.

Nne, biko go get it checked out.

ohhh, i wanna see model pictures :)

I hope it's just the distance since you actually do see uall in the long run...

On August 24, 2009 at 10:13 PM , Rene said...

Everyone has their fear, don't sweat it. I don't think engineering is boring.

I missed you gan!

On August 24, 2009 at 10:34 PM , Tinu said...

I missed u
i feel the same way tooo!!children gosh it scares me!!!
please just go for the scan!!

On August 24, 2009 at 11:59 PM , miss.fab said...

I missed youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

All legitimate fears, my dear. And oh my days, you are so right. Engineers are beyond boring. The things that amuse them... smh (I'm one of "them" o, lol)

On August 25, 2009 at 12:58 AM , Fabulo-la said...

@Bubbles..dodo babe..Only small? I know I am scared...ha ha wouldnt u like to know?

@Sugarking..That is my prayer o..otherwise its no kids at all..:(

@InUrChoos: I hope its a phase o! I rlly do..

@Nice: Im thinkin abt it..but insurance has to cover it abeg...

@~Butterfly~: I know right? Discovery Health has forever made me paranoid...

@MissDufa..mehn..I wish it was just hunger giving me migraines....unfortunately its not..:(

@kay9...*sigh* I couldnt escape my reality...Oh and speak ENGLISH biko! Ahn ahn!

@leggy: Only sometimes?..and r u sure abt that???

@Buttercup: Ok O I will get it.......soon

@BSNC: I am getting better shey?
Im ok least i think

@Ebony~*: Err..unfortunately I am a lil too old to be pursuing any modelling degree at this
I can stil dream it sha...

@ReoressedOne: I am ok o..just been...reflecting kinda.

@Renesugarplumsweetness: err which engineers are u hanging around biko? lol

@Tinu: I mised u too jo! I know abt having children right? *shudders at the thought* I will go.

@miss.fab: I missed u toooooooooooooooooooo!
lol. U r soo right. I despise their silly jokes, but u should see me when I start giggling to myself!...LOOL Silly things I tell u

AWWW I issed u guys too jo!

On August 25, 2009 at 2:00 AM , akaBagucci said...

I think you should get the scan done.... and that you are unnecessarily scared of the whole childbirth thing.. You could opt for a voluntary C-section if push came to shove.... Or just adopt kids... Reduce the net gain of orphans in the world.....

On August 25, 2009 at 4:28 AM , Splash said...

only you, all this thinking? take it easy o!
didn't know a lot of people had fears concerning kids.
abi @ akaBagucci "or just adopt kids...reduce the net gain of orphans in the world...

On August 25, 2009 at 5:18 AM , kmplx said...

do scan. engineers are boring usually, but the cool ones, are uber-cool. re kids... you coould also be hit by bus tomorrow, but you are not afraid of buses. what ifs are not worth the fear!

On August 25, 2009 at 12:58 PM , bonnie said...

awww please get your scan done. i know you're good though.

i think engineers are and innovative though.

p.s. i'd like to see your portfolio :)

On August 25, 2009 at 1:17 PM , Nwanyi said...

lol..we missed you....

a little


Engineers are be proud lol...and err

about the double major, I need details cos err..I really cannot imagine myself doing only medicine..when the time comes..or I shall go mad!

On August 25, 2009 at 7:33 PM , Chari said...

Me. I missed are you doin?

Hey dun feel so bad about doing engineering...not all engineers are boring!

what kinda man do you need babe?

On August 26, 2009 at 1:28 AM , UnderCover07 said...

Missed u much!

Pls go and get the scan so that u dnt have to worry.

I hate distance...but I dnt like the thought of not being able to love him. *sigh* so I stick it out.

I fear childbirth...but I try not to think about it. boyfie is an Engr,but he knws better than to bore me wiv engineering jargon. U dnt sound lyk a boring person o!

On August 26, 2009 at 6:39 AM , ~Sirius~ said...

You think your fear is bad- I was thinking strictly adoption mhen!
I can't imagine the bulge and the pain!

my only comfort is that so many other people have done it and survived, why should my case be different.

On August 26, 2009 at 4:55 PM , Lady X said...

I feel you on this one! Watched this video once of a woman giving birth. Did you know sometimes they have to tear the place where the baby is gonna come out when its too small and then stitch it later?

On August 26, 2009 at 7:22 PM , Myne Whitman said...

Just found you and love you already. Wonder about childbearing too, not scared though

On August 26, 2009 at 9:22 PM , RocNaija said...

Wo! me I've been on google since oh..
Wey dem???? Lol..

On August 26, 2009 at 9:39 PM , bumight said...

i think ive blogged about being scared of childbirth -i blame my cousin!
bt i think of teenagers that get pregnant and born their pikins, and i think if they can do it, i should ba?

sistER, as per the Autism and cerebral palsy thingy, i reject it for u! abeg!!
think of ur children and think little obamas, and dont claim something thats not ur portion!

PS: if it helps, i know some sexy engineers!

On August 26, 2009 at 9:40 PM , Fabulo-la said...

@Roc: U don google taya???

@Myne: U r not scared????? Av u seen videos????

@LAdyX: WHY DID U HAVE TO DO THAT???? I was doing well pretending I ddnt know soo much!!

@~Sirius~: Just like that??? WHat about the other pple whose case is not different??

@Undercover: Well Im glad I dont sound

@Chari: WHat kind of man do I need???
Uhhhhh...can i get back to you on that??

@Nwanyi: U know u missed me jo...Well where r u going to school? U can pretty much double in anything u want...provided u can handle it ofcourse.. and innovative? LOL some of them are really stupid. I kid you not.

@Kmplx: i guess if you put it that way...

@Splash..yes only me o!

@DannyB: trust me it is def n option I am seriously considering...


On August 27, 2009 at 12:23 AM , miss.fab said...

Oh just saw the MRI thing. Um, I'm beginning to get scared for people who complain of headaches o. Two of my close friends constantly have headaches. And I'm talking virtually every day I talk to them, one of them has a headache. It's not a joke abeg o. Please do the scan thing or whatever your doctors are saying ehn thanks very much

On August 27, 2009 at 6:21 AM , Temite said...

LOl....Well maybe you should read on the subjects....some "special" chilrend are born to teach us a beautiful lesson. The only way to subside your fear is to face it.
For example I was always scared that I will kill myself at the end. I was sooo afraid, until I actually imagined myself doing it, and planning it, did I lose the fear. (I am super weird). lol. Oh, I didnt get the email....would you re-send. its

On August 27, 2009 at 8:03 AM , Anonymous said...

Cerebral palsy and autism, scary stuff. The trick to suppressing bad thoughts is to accept it in a positive light. As long as you know you'll have unconditional affection for your kids regardless of their state, the haunting stops. If you keep fighting it, you carry it around like luggage.

Some of the most stimulating people I know are engineers. Its all about having a compelling will in everything you do. History is replete with such men. The common thread is passion, not a flair for classical languages.

Research suggests that migraines are the cost of a well formed turbocharged intellect. If true, Its the payment for an envious command of the mind. The question is, are you making it count? Are u getting your payments worth?

Need is an important component of a relationship. Love is overrated and often exploited.

ibgo hmuan

On August 27, 2009 at 4:23 PM , Original Mgbeke said...

I did miss you! How did you sneak and update without my knowledge?
No cat cans or MRI's for you ooo...Amin! Errrm are we supposed to google 'Fabulo-la'? LOL. I say why not? Get the degree and pursue the modelling...ya never know. ;-)

On August 30, 2009 at 6:20 PM , Miss Lowlah said...

I've missed you fabu :*

On August 30, 2009 at 7:02 PM , Fabulo-la said...

Miss Lowlah! Where have you been???

@OM: Unfortunately Im a lil too old engineering it is. :(

@AIH: So love is unnecessary? And I never heard abt the headaches

@Temite: hmmm I will try

@Miss.fab: I wiil I will...:(