Me. And then Some.

For a few years now, I have been haunted by the guilt that I may have hurt someone's feelings.
No, I did not do anything drastic, neither does this involve a heartbreak of any kind.
It was just...my words.
I said something that I instantly regretted. Ok not instantly.
But I regretted it nonetheless.
This was in highschool. This someone wasnt completely innocent then either.
But still as the years have gone on, and as I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost ten years,
I have always considered apologizing if or when I run into her.
Because you know, it is inevitable that I will run into her.
But, I never imagined that she would read my blog.
Or that I would read hers.
An interesting turn of events, no?
I want to apologize to her,
but I don't know if she still holds a grudge against me.
Hell I dont if she even remembers me.
I also have to say, I am a little scared as to how she might take it.
Cause you see, she has every right to insult me and dismiss me.
What I said was horrible.
I am hoping that after ten years, she will have forgotten? Maybe even forgiven me?
Or who knows, maybe she wasn't even hurt at all!
Yes I know, selfish.

But what do you think?
Should I go ahead?
And apologize?
Out of the blue?
How would you take it?

xxx
Fabulo-la

P.S. SHE *arrogant stare* Would you like the shoes? Afterall I did pick your number.

My mind is blind
To the words in my head

My heart is deaf
To the words that I hear

My soul is longing
For the words that I feel

My body is trembling
at the words that you speak.

This just popped into my head. I have no idea what it means.
Or why its even there sef.

Been dealing with blogger
And bloody templates since morning.

My head cant wrap around it.
Now I done gone and messed up my blog.

Im sick of all the math and calculations
Will I really be calculating the area of a hyperbolic triangle at work???

Communication, communication ,communication.
I think communication ~= actions. (Approximately equal to)
No?
Not that words are useless, just that actions speak louder.
So therefore, take note of what I do, not what Im NOT saying.

(Lovers) - (Friends) = ?
(Lovers* Friends) - (Lovers) = ?

After this woman's pet chimp attacked her,
you think she will get another chimp as a pet?
What if after the attack she decided to give the chimp another chance?

Human beings nko?
I mean they do as much damage to our hearts lives hearts
yet we let THE SAME people back in.

Are we not inviting trouble to lie with us?

I bet you think this post is about you, dont you?
I thought you would.

Love is a four letter word. But so is Fuck. That. Shit. -Bubbles

xoxo

Fabulo-la

You are sitting in your apartment minding your own business, watching some mindless television. A re-run of Friends or the latest gory episode of Family Guy. Doesn't really matter, point is you are minding your own business. All of a sudden there is a knock on your door, and the two strangest people walk in.

One is a woman. An ugly old woman, that is green from head to toe. She has green straggly hair, a face so wrinkled she gives the old woman that lives in her shoe a run for her money. Her eyes are a deep piercing green, and her teeth are crooked and she is missing the two incisor teeth. She walks with a green cane that looks like it will give out any second. Surprisingly she is wearing a green trench coat. Its surprising because the coat is something you would pick out. It has a military inspired collar and a belt that would cinch your waist perfectly.

The other is a man, and it looks like his facial features are in the wrong places. His nose is high way up the top of his head, pointing in the air. His eyes are way down below where his nose should be, obstructing his view. He is wearing a vest with waist pants and a pocket watch that make him look like he just stepped out of 1920's England. Even with his mis-aligned facial feature, he still has a 'I'm better than you look on his face'. Ok now.

Just by looking at them, you already know who they are. You have been entertaining their presence for a while now, you just didnt know it.
"Yes? Hello, can I help you?" You mutter.
Help us? Why no child. We are here for you." green woman mutters, saliva falling from her mouth as she speaks.
You see, you've been entertaining the thought of us for so long, we figured we might as well drop by and introduce ourselves. Right Judy?" she asks her companion.

Judy, with his head lifted so he could see me clearly and his nose higher in the air snorts in response.

"Excuse my friend, he just feels he has better things to do."
"What do you want with me" you ask, a little sheepish and scared that these people sought you out.
"Well you see, I have come to give you this green coat Im wearing, seeing as you have already been thinking like me." She answers.

"What do you mean?" You ask.
"Sweetheart, you think we dont know? Everytime you look at a girl that has a flashier car than you, and you think to yourself 'What has he done to deserve that car? I should have a car like that.' You are entertaining us, dont you know?" She replies.
"Uhh..."
"Lemme explain to you" she says sending drops of saliva flying everywhere.
"Do you remember when that girl changed her phone for the 4th time this month? And you were wondering how, why, and where she was getting the money from? And when that guy, who seemingly does nothing, at all has all this money to spend, traveling everywhere anytime he likes, buying anything he wants? Yes you remember? Well there was a look in your eye, a scowl on ur face, and your nose was turned up. It was at that moment i just KNEW I, I mean we had to come visit."

She glanced at Judy who was siting on the edge of the sofa, legs crossed with a disgusted scowl on his face.
"You know, Im too good for this Ginny. I really should not be here." Ginny ignored him focusing on me.
"This coat is for you" she said taking off her fabulous green coat and handing it to you.

"Go on, try it on" She insists. You hesitate for a moment. But just for a moment, because as soon as she had walked in that door, you had already imagined the coat on you.
You gingerly slip into the coat, careful to savor the moment as imagine how fabulous you will look in it.

Looking down at yourself, you have to say it is fabulous.
"Take a look in the mirror" she insists pushing you towards the full length mirror in your kitchen. As you step in front of the mirror you are amazed by what you see. The coat is even more fabulous than you imagined.

But wait, something else is happening. Wrinkles are appearing on your face. Visible, noticeable wrinkles around your eyes, on your hands. But wait, its not all, your nose has moved positions! Its in the air just like Judy's. Judy seems to crack a smile at the horror that has over come you. But wait, its not all, something else is happening.
Slowly, just slowly, your skin is turning green. Not a nice shade of green, but puke green.
Your hands, your face, your eyes....


-Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things.
-Let us walk properly...not in strife and envy.
-You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.



Don't let the green eyed monster get you!

xxx
Fabulo-la

I hate the holidays
It reminds me of everything I don't have
And everything I'm not

I hate Halloween 'cause well,
I don't get it.

I hate Thanksgiving 'cause
Unlike everyone else,
I don't get to go home
To my big family and a huge turkey
Nope. I get to stay here...

I hate Christmas cause
Well again, I don't get to just go home
And I have never felt like such
an unrequested family member than at Christmas time

I hate the holiday season
'cause it reminds me of how miserable I really am

5 years, 5 miserable holiday seasons

Wake me up when December ends...

That is exactly how I feel.
Blank. Empty. Null and Void.

I want to...bare it all.
But for the first time...

I cant find the words...

One of the hardest things right now?
Realizing that the path you've been on
Was the wrong one
And a complete waste of time.

Dear God, where are you?

At times like these,
I do what I do best

....
Escape my reality

This week has been a .... weird one to say the least.
I didn't run away, I swear.
I was just ... thinking?
Well remember I had an epiphany a while ago?
I kinda forgot about it for a while after that.
And then, I read 'Half a Yellow Sun'.
Apart from realizing how ignorant I am about many of the affairs of my own country,
(I have resolved to change that by all means)
I found myself wondering, 'would I give my life for my country?'

I do not mean dying.
Well not in the physical sense anyways
More like, would I give it all to fight to make a difference for the sake of my country?
All of a sudden I remembered the epiphany.
This time it came back to me
The image was so vivid and haunting
I could feel my ribcage constrict as my throat threatened to cut of my air supply.
The passion came back so strong,
It gave me goosebumps, but I could clearly feel the fire inside me.
It still does. I still can.
Its intimidating.
I cried.
My 10-year-plan just did a U-turn.
But how? I don't know how to do this
I was NOT trained to do this.
I am afraid to talk about this
They say there are dream killers everywhere
But I HAVE to do this
And I don't know how
My heart is bleeding at the thought of what lays ahead of me
I am scared shitless.



"Ask not what your country can do for you, rather what you can do for your country." - JFK

State of mind?
Or complete illusion?

State of mind, if you ask me.
How else do you explain being able to smile and even appear happy
when everything in your life is falling apart at the very place you
tried to glue it together?
Even the one He gave to us.
Or does that one not count?
Is it even the same thing?

How else can one achieve said happiness without transforming your mind
Or transcending your current state or mind.

But what then does one do, when the energy to transcend one's current
state of mind has somehow...vanished?
When the will to get up and be happy is not there?
Or you just simply can't find it?
Maybe it has evaded you somehow?
Or it's avoiding you maybe?
Are you even looking in the right place?

What does one do to achieve said transformation?
Is there a place that specializes in transforming minds?
Is there a procedure or process to achieve said transformation?

Does anybody know how I can acheieve this transcending of minds?


On another note, I had another dream. A friend of mine this time.

xxx
Fabulo-la